Beauty and the Beastmaster

Antelope Island on my birthday 2009

I'm reading "The Help" right now in an effort to finish before the movie comes out. So many portions of this book have stood out to me, but tonight a certain passage is really sticking. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend recently. The passage reads:

"Womens, they ain't like men. A woman ain't gone beat you with a stick. Miss Hilly wouldn't pull no pistol on me. Miss Leefolt wouldn't come burn my house down. No, (white) womens like to keep they hands clean. They got a shiny little set a tools they use, sharp as witches' fingernails, tidy and laid out neat, like the picks on a dentist tray. They gone take they time with em."

I had been talking with a friend about the time I had my first real encounter with "mean girls." I feel pretty lucky in having avoided them most of my middle and high school years, and I wasn't a real target until I was in my twenties living here in Salt Lake. And then those mean girls targeted me in true mean girl fashion - unwarranted, unfounded, and just down right mean. My friend asked me if I was still holding a grudge about it (obviously it had bugged me enough it came up in conversation).

So I got to thinking about it. The way I see it is life is tricky enough on it's own. Sometimes you get bulldozed by a surprise medical issue. Sometimes you get laid off. Sometimes you lose a family member or friend. Sometimes you make a goal and work towards it, only to be constantly thwarted. Sometimes your house burns down. Sometimes your little tiny baby girl desperately needs a liver transplant. Sometimes you find yourself living in a new strange city with no friends. Sometimes you gain 10 pounds expectantly. With life so hard and tricky, why, particularly as women, do we make it harder for each other?

Why do we believe that by criticizing another woman, we come out on the better end? Why do we believe this form of revenge will make us feel better? It doesn't relieve our sadness and it certainly won't make us feel any better. Every time we are unfairly harsh on another woman, it only makes it harder for us to break this cycle. And oh, what a cycle it is!

I realized my answer to my friend's question about holding a grudge was and is no. However, I have chosen and will chose to strive to be around women who take a different path; who choose never to target unfairly, who choose to ignore the mean banter, who choose to give the benefit of the doubt. The older I get, the less time I have for people who choose not to live this way. I suppose this is my revenge: to aim each day to be kinder and more forgiving. To choose to bring myself up by bringing someone else up. Each day I'll just have to try a little more at it.

In this post, I shared a similar idea through these quotes:

Why lay yourself on the torturer's rack of the past and future? The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities will find no rest. Be kind to yourself, dear.

(Rumi)

Be kind, for everyone you meet is engaged in a great struggle.

(Philo of Alexandria)

So here's to the goal! To each day be a little kinder to another woman, and consequently to myself.